Kimmy Kisses a Boy!/Transcript

Kimmy Kisses a Boy!
Transcripts
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This article is a transcript of the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt episode "Kimmy Kisses a Boy!" from season 1.

Characters
Kimmy Schmidt
Construction Worker
Smooth Jazzercise Instructor
Titus Andromedon
Cyndee Pokorny
Gretchen Chalker
Charles
Vera
Brandon Yeagley
Lillian Kaushtupper
Donna Maria Nuñez
Bartender
Old Man
Jeremy
Administrator

Locations
New York City
Titus and Kimmy's Apartment
Manhattan
The Voorhees's House
The Bunker
Restaurant
School

This transcript is complete

Transcript

[Kimmy is walking past a construction site]

Construction Worker: Hey, Red. You're making me wish I was those jeans.

Kimmy: Well, I wish I was your yellow hat! [chuckles]

Construction Worker: What?

Kimmy: It's my favorite color. Did I say something wrong?

Construction Worker: Okay, uh, I'm sorry about the jeans thing. You made your point.

Kimmy: And my point is wh--

Construction Worker: That I say these things to women even though I got a mother that I love and three beautiful sisters, okay? Are you happy?

Kimmy: Happy but nervous. My friend from Indiana is coming to visit.

Construction Worker: Why do I talk to women like that? What are we doing here, guys? I mean, big picture! Does the world really need another bank?

[Titus is following a jazzercise video in his apartment]

Jazzercise Man: Smooth jazzercise. Coming at you. Now let's do some sitting.

[Kimmy enters the apartment]

Kimmy: Good morning, Black!

Titus: What?

Kimmy: A construction worker called me Red. I thought we could have nicknames.

Titus: Ooh! Look at you getting hit on by a construction worker.

Kimmy: [scoffs]

Titus: Meanwhile, I got undercharged at the diner for my morning scrod. [high-pitched] Crushing it!

Kimmy: Titus, Cyndee's going to be here in four hours. What did you promise me?

Titus: That I will not ask her any questions about the bunker.

Kimmy: Look, I know you think I'm still a little clueless about how the world works, but wait until you meet Cyndee. Down in the bunker, I was her big sister. I always had to look out for her.

[In a bunker flashback, Kimmy and Cyndee approach Gretchen]

Kimmy: Gretchen, Cyndee has been waiting a long time to play with that tennis racket.

[Gretchen begrudgingly hands it to her]

Kimmy: And the imaginary ball.

[She makes the motion of handing a ball to Kimmy]

Kimmy: Thank you, Gretchen.

Gretchen: [whispering] I didn't give it to them.

[No longer in a bunker flashback]

Titus: There were side tubes?

Kimmy: Sometimes, I feel guilty, like I abandoned Cyndee.

Titus: That's how I feel about my wife back in Missis-- Interesting, Kimmy, go on!

Kimmy: You're the only person who knows our deal, so please help me take care of her while she's here. Okay?

Titus: Of course, Kimmy Schmidt. And just in case I overhear any juicy bunker tidbits, I'll get all my crazy reactions out of my system now. Ooh! No, she did not! Sweet baby Jesus!

[Kimmy is entering the Voorhees's House, and Charles jumps behind her and covers her eyes]

Charles: Guess who!

Kimmy: I don't like that! Oh. Hi, Charles!

Charles: Hey. [laughs nervously] Did you get my text?

Kimmy: I did. And I texted you back.

Charles: [takes out his phone] Oh.

Kimmy: It's a photo of a man's penis. I read that people text them to each other. It's called a--

Charles: Yeah! Oh, yeah. I know what they're called.

[Kimmy and Charles enter the kitchen, where Vera is cleaning]

Kimmy: Hola, morning, Vera.

Vera: Hola, Kimmy.

Kimmy: You want cereal? The most important meal of the day. Let's hear it for breakfast!

[Now in the pantry]

Charles: Hey. I just sent you a text.

Kimmy: Ooh.

[She opens her phone and sees a picture of a duck]

Charles: It's a duck pic.

Kimmy: Wow! I always knew you were funny, but this is another level.

Charles: [laughs] Hey, what are you up to later today?

Kimmy: My friend Cyndee is coming into town. I'm going to show her New York.

Charles: Oh. It's too bad, because I was gonna kind of psych myself up to kiss you later.

Kimmy: Or you could do that now maybe.

Charles: Interesting. Now, huh? Go on.

Kimmy: Well, we'd have to stop talking.

[The two kiss, and Kimmy's eyes widen]

[Kimmy is walking back to the apartment, where she sees a man trying to take Cyndee's bags]

Cyndee: Give it to me. Seriously, I don't need help. Let go, mister!

[Kimmy runs over to him and begins to push him away]

Kimmy: You leave her alone! Scram, you stupid honky!

Cyndee: Kimmy, stop.

Kimmy: Cyndee, this is New York. You don't just give your bags to people.

Cyndee: He's not people. He's my boyfriend.

Kimmy: Oh. I'm so sorry. I just assumed...

Brandon: It's okay, Kimmy. I'm Brandon.

[Brandon hugs her]

Kimmy: Oh!

Brandon: So good to meet you. And I've got more luggage to get. This one does not pack light. [laughs]

Cyndee: I don't know why I brought so much pancake mix.

Kimmy: Is that your car?

Cyndee: Mm-hmm.

Kimmy: And is that Brandon Yeagley?

Cyndee: You remember him?

Kimmy: Do I remember your middle school crush? I only had to pretend to be him, like, a bazillion times.

[In a bunker flashback, Kimmy and Cyndee are pretending to be in a car]

Kimmy (as Brandon): Well, here we are, Cyndee. Make-out point.

Cyndee: It's so romantic, Brandon.

[Kimmy leans over to kiss her]

Cyndee: Stop! If we really love each other, then we can wait.

Kimmy (as Brandon): Aw, come on, Cyndee! I drove all the way out here! I have to pay for my own gas, you know. Forget it. Let's just go home.

[She pretends to angrily drive off]

[No longer in a bunker flashback]

Cyndee: [laughs] Now I've got the real thing! I get to kiss him and smell his chest. [sighs]

Kimmy: [sighs] Wow. So you're doing great, huh?

Cyndee: Oh, my gosh. Super great! I'm managing the pet store in town. And Brandon and I are moving into a new house.

Kimmy: [gasps]

Cyndee: It's got an above-ground pool and an in-ground trampoline.

[Now inside the apartment]

Kimmy: Cool! Wait a minute! Did you get a tattoo?

Cyndee: Yeah, I saw it on a Chinese menu, and I just fell in love with it. It means "bean curd." Brandon got a matching one for our one-month anniversary, but there was a mix-up, so his is in English.

Kimmy: Ah, wow. Matching tattoos.

Cyndee: Yeah. It's real popular now, like taking pictures of your food or being biracial.

Kimmy: Gosh, Cyndee. I am so proud of you. You're really living your life!

Cyndee: Well, it seems like you're doing pretty great too.

Kimmy: Yeah. [gasps] This guy at work, we kissed today. In the pantry!

Cyndee: [gasps delightedly]

Titus: This is boring! So you kissed somebody! Everybody kisses things. White people kiss their dogs. You lived in a bunker. Where did you go to the bathroom? Did anybody try to eat anybody? Was there ever a moment where you were like, "The real prison is in my mind"?

Kimmy: [clears throat]

Titus: I am as God made me.

[Brandon enters]

Cyndee: Where have you been, mister?

Brandon: Well, I wanted to let you two catch up, so I went and got you flowers from the flower district. And from the Meatpacking District... meat.

Cyndee: Ah, thank you! I love them. [sniffs the meat]

Brandon: [to Titus] Hi, I'm Brandon.

Titus: Titus Andromedon. Star on the rise. Kimberly, a word.

[Titus and Kimmy enter the shower for privacy]

Titus: You asked me to help you keep an eye on Cyndee, correct?

Kimmy: Yeah, but now you don't need to. I underestimated her. She's got a job and a house and a guy who brings her the traditional meat and flowers of Indiana courtship.

Titus: Yeah, that boy's gay.

Kimmy: What?

Titus: Gay as a penguin.

Kimmy: [gasps]

Titus: Educate yourself. Read a nature video.

Kimmy: He's not gay. Gay hasn't even gotten to Indiana yet. There have been rumors in Ohio.

Titus: I know small-town gay, Kimmy. Brandon has a tan line where he usually wears a leather cuff. He's from Indiana, but he weighs less than 200 pounds. And there's a stain on his jeans that could only be from re-varnishing an Edwardian escritoire.

Kimmy: What?

Titus: It's gay for "desk."

Kimmy: Ugh! You're being ridiculous, Titus.

[Kimmy storms out of the shower and Titus follows]

Brandon: Titus! When are us guys going to talk about cars?

Kimmy: Huh, Titus. Brandon is into cars.

Titus: Kimberly, a word.

[He takes her into his room]

Titus: That was smoke and mirrors, Kimmy, two things gay men love. And I'd call him out on it if I knew anything about cars. Did I say that right? "Curs." "Coors."

Kimmy: Stop it. Why would a gay man even want to be with Cyndee, Titus? I-- what would he possibly get out of that?

Titus: Very well! I'm sure you're right. There's no way Brandon's gay. Which means you wouldn't care if I tried to seduce him.

Kimmy: What?

Titus: I'm just saying. Obviously, I'll fail. Because Cyndee's boyfriend is super straight, right?

Kimmy: Right. Do whatever you want.

Titus: The wheels are already in motion.

[Kimmy leaves the bedroom to find Brandon very dispassionately kissing Cyndee]

[Kimmy, Cyndee, and Brandon are eating in a restaurant]

Kimmy: So, Brandon, tell me about yourself. What do you like to do?

Brandon: I'm just a regular guy. I like, uh, NASCAR and fishing, you know, quoting Borat, setting up universal remotes, and of course, Vegas, baby.

Cyndee: Come on. Let's go someplace else. Let's go to the fanciest place in Manhattan. Did you know some places call shrimp "prawns"?

Kimmy: I do now.

Cyndee: We could get a reservation anywhere. Just call up and say we're Mole Women.

Kimmy: What? No. I don't tell anyone about that.

Cyndee: Really? Kimmy, that's crazy. Because when people find out you're a Mole Woman, they feel bad for you and they give you free stuff!

Kimmy: Is that what you do in Durnsville? You get stuff because people feel sorry for you?

Cyndee: Sure. I didn't finish middle school. I'm not qualified to run a pet store. I just said I liked dogs so they-- Oh, no, I forgot to get someone to cover for me while I'm here.

Kimmy: So... the clothes, the house, the "curs," the car... that is not an easy word.

Brandon: It really is pretty great. The Durnsville Elks Club is paying for this whole trip, plus spending money. I want to get a big-city spray tan.

Kimmy: So you both get stuff out of this.

[Cyndee's phone rings]

Cyndee: Ooh, it's the Durnsville Board of Education. This year I get to pick the chapter that gets taken out of the science textbook.

[She leaves the room to take her phone call]

Kimmy: I think I'm going to have the chef salad. Who do you like to have sex with?

Brandon: Oh, I like hairless guys with a little bit of--

Kimmy: You are an escritoire!

Brandon: I'm a desk? I mean, I don't know what that means.

[Lillian enters the apartment as Titus is in his room]

Lillian: What do you want, dear. I was Rear Window-ing, and it was just starting to get good. The old man on the third floor's stuck in the tub. He's starting to panic.

Titus: Lillian, I'm planning a seduction.

Lillian: A seduction. I remember those days. A cocktail at the bar, a conversation held only with the eyes, and then the two of you retire to the bathroom.

Titus: I called you because I need you to keep Kimmy and her girlfriend out of the apartment.

Lillian: Oh, sure.

Titus: I just need five minutes with that country boy. Or however long Kenny Loggins' Footloose is.

Lillian: Titus, cherish this time. Someday you'll wake up and you'll say, "Who's that old woman in the mirror?" And then she'll punch you, and you'll say, "That's not a mirror. That's an open window." What are we talking about again?

Kimmy: You're lying to my friend. I'm telling her!

Brandon: Kimmy! Kimmy, please! I'm not using Cyndee to get stuff for myself. I'm part of the stuff.

Kimmy: What?

Brandon: She wanted me. Ever since middle school. What choice did I have after what she's been through? I do whatever she wants. I-- I got a tattoo that says "bean curd."

Kimmy: So you're doing all this to make her happy?

Brandon: I dumped Richard Hinkle for her. He's the one I wanted to give flowers and meat to.

Kimmy: No, this is not okay, Brandon. You're lying to her.

Brandon: Really? You never lied to Cyndee in the bunker?

[In a bunker flashback]

Cyndee: We're never going to get out of this stupid bunker. I'll never own a sports car or a pool. And Brandon Yeagley got Apocalypsed!

Kimmy: Well, that's not true. The reverend told me. God spared Brandon. And he's in an all-men's bunker, so you know he's being faithful.

Cyndee: Really?

Donna Maria Nuñez: [in Spanish] "Brandon" is a gay guy's name, right?

[No longer in a bunker flashback]

Brandon: You know Cyndee needs someone to take care of her. You left, so everyone back home is stepping up. Please don't ruin it for her.

Bartender: Welcome to New York. I wanna say... Brandon?

[Brandon enters the apartment]

Brandon: Titus, it's Brandon. The gals are outside talking to your landlord.

[The scene switches to Lillian talking to Kimmy and Cyndee outside]

Lillian: So then, in 1984... no, wait, let me back up. Modern-day Israel...

[The scene switches back to Titus and Brandon, where "Footloose" by Kenny Loggins is playing and Titus is shucking corn in a revealing farmer's outfit]

Brandon: What's going on?

Titus: [seductively] I think you know.

[The scene cuts to later in the night, where Kimmy and Cyndee are now back in the apartment, and Kimmy and Titus are in the other room]

Titus: Well, I was wrong. Brandon is not gay.

Kimmy: [whispers] No, he is. He told me.

Titus: [whispers] That's impossible! I tried to seduce him. In my over-shorts! Am I not a pretty young thing anymore? Am I a bear now? Or a daddy? Or a Huxtable?

Kimmy: Titus, my best friend's dream boyfriend is gay. What do I do?

Titus: Are you asking me for advice because I seem like a wise old black man? Oh, God.

[Titus turns to the window and faces the old man from the third floor, thinking it's his reflection]

Titus: My reflection. I'm old!

Old Man: I've been in that bath for hours. You all watched me struggle! Shame!

[The old man punches Titus in the gut through the open portion of the window]

[Kimmy turns to watch Cyndee and Brandon have a playful pillow fight in the other room]

[Kimmy is now back at the Voorhees's House, kissing Charles in the pantry]

Kimmy: You're not gay, right?

Charles: Straight guys can be vegetarians. Hitler was a vegetarian.

[Kimmy's phone buzzes]

Kimmy: [gasps] Ooh! I have to go. I promised Cyndee I'd take her out for a real New York pizza bagel.

Charles: Well, I'm working tonight if there's any chance that you could come by.

Kimmy: I'll be here. With my kissing hole.

[There is an awkward silence and Kimmy leaves]

[Titus enters his apartment to find Brandon on the couch]

Titus: They did it again! They undercharged my breakfast by 15%. I think they're giving me the senior citizen discount. Why would they think someone ordering broiled scrod and a black coffee is a senior citizen?

Brandon: [laughs] Dude, I think it's great the strides you gays have made.

Titus: You cut it out! I know that straight act is just a-- What's that Stanley Donen movie with, uh, Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn?

Brandon: Charade?

Titus: Ha!

[Brandon gets up and shushes him]

Titus: Tell me I'm a pretty boy.

Brandon: I can't do that.

[Cyndee enters abruptly]

Cyndee: What are you two doing?

Brandon and Titus (simultaneously): Sports.

[Kimmy enters]

Titus: How old do you think I am?

Kimmy: Titus, age doesn't matter. You can die at any time.

[Kimmy gets a call from Charles, and takes it in her room]

Kimmy: Hey, you. What's going on?

Charles: Not much. Where are you right now?

Kimmy: Home. Just sucking on a chill pill.

Charles: Cool. Are you free?

Kimmy: Sure. What's up?

Charles: Uh, I want us to get to the next level. I've only got one life, so it's now or never.

Kimmy: What do you mean next level? Like, relationship-wise?

Charles: Let's go for it.

[Titus pulls the door open]

Titus: I found these butterscotches in my pocket. They just appeared! It's a sign!

[Kimmy pulls the door shut]

Charles: Come on, I'm totally exposed here. Don't let me down, dude.

Kimmy: Okay, dude. I'm in.

Charles: Awesome! Yes! I love you.

Kimmy: Me, too.

[Kimmy and Cyndee are taking a walk through the park]

Kimmy: Hey, Cyndee, we're friends no matter what, right?

Cyndee: Of course.

Kimmy: Okay. Well, maybe I'm spoiled because things are going so well with Charles, but I think you can do better than Brandon.

Cyndee: Are you kidding? Brandon's perfect. He takes care of me... like you used to.

Kimmy: Okay, I just want you to be happy, so--

[They now see Brandon in front of them, with an orchestral quartet, balloons, and a "unicorn"]

Brandon: Cyndee Sandy Pokorny, will you--

Cyndee: Yes! Oh! Of course I will! Oh!

[Cyndee runs over and kisses him]

Kimmy: What the H-E-double-- No. You know what? What the hell, Brandon?

Cyndee: Kimmy, don't use that kind of language in front of a unicorn.

Kimmy: Oh, my gosh, Cyndee, unicorns aren't--

Brandon: Offended by strong language. Their magic protects them. I think we all just want Cyndee to be happy no matter what.

Kimmy: No. This is too far. Brandon is gay, Cyndee. He likes men.

Brandon: [scoffs] Gay? Would a gay guy have just asked Cyndee to be... [imitating Borat] my wife?

Cyndee: Why are you trying to ruin this?

Kimmy: I'm not. I'm trying to protect you, as always.

Cyndee: Dang it, Kimmy! I know what I'm doing! Jeez, you think I don't notice Brandon's tooth whitening strips or how he's always talking about Ancient Greece and how things were different then?

Brandon: There was a culture of mentors and students.

Kimmy: Wait, you know? Then why are you--

Cyndee: Because! He's what I've wanted for 15 years.

Kimmy: But this isn't love! He just feels sorry for you. Your whole life in Durnsville is just people feeling sorry for you!

Cyndee: But who cares? I'm happy. Don't I deserve to be happy? I'm a Mole Woman.

Kimmy: No. That is not going to work with me. I'm a Mole Woman too, but I'm trying to move past it.

Cyndee: Are you? 'Cause I'm actually doing what I said I was going to do back in the bunker. You were going to see the world and get an education and a great job. But you're a 29-year-old babysitter who lives in a basement

Kimmy: Well, at least I have a boyfriend who isn't fake, Cyndee. He's my fake fiancé, Kimmy, and we're going to live a beautiful fake life together! [to the quarter] Play!

[Cyndee passionately kisses Brandon]

[Kimmy enters the Voorhees's House and immediately kisses Charles]

Charles: Well, hello.

Kimmy: Look, dude. I don't think I actually said the words when you called, but I love you too. So let's get matching tattoos. It's a thing now, and maybe I'm overthinking it, but Garfield?

Charles: Kimmy, what are you talking about?

Kimmy: Hmm, I don't know. Maybe when you called me and said you loved me.

Charles: [laughs nervously] Uh, no. I-- I didn't... call you.

[He checks his phone]

Charles: Oh, I guess I butt-dialed you.

[The scene goes back to the phone call, with a triple split screen revealing that Charles butt-dialed Kimmy while talking to his friend over headsets from a video game]

Kimmy // Jeremy: Hey, you. What's going on? // Did you get any ammo from those corpses?

Charles: Not much. Where are you right now?

Kimmy // Jeremy: Just sucking on a chill pill. // I'm in that sub-basement where the missile launcher was.

Charles: Cool. You free?

Jeremy // Kimmy: Yeah, man, I killed the prison guard. We can eat him later. // Sure, what's up?

Charles: I want us to get to the next level.

Jeremy: Awesome.

Charles: I've only got one life, so it's now or never.

Kimmy // Jeremy: What do you mean next level? Like, relationship-wise? // Okay, cool, look, why don't you draw their fire? I'll steal the antidote from the monkey lab.

Charles: Let's go for it.

[Titus pulls the door open]

Titus: I found these butterscotches in my pocket. They just appeared! It's a sign!

[Kimmy pulls the door shut]

Charles: Come on, I'm totally exposed here. Don't let me down, dude.

Jeremy // Kimmy: Okay, I'm gonna blow the door. Oh, the monkeys look mad! Okay. // Okay, dude.

Kimmy and Jeremy (simultaneously): I'm in!

Jeremy: I got it. Meet me by the hover-car.

Charles: Awesome! Yes! [sighs] I love you.

Jeremy // Kimmy: Me too, dude. // Me, too.

[No longer in the flashback]

Kimmy: Oh, my gosh. I thought it was rude when you said, "Troll the respawn, Jeremy." But I figured that was just a new way of saying goodbye. I've been saying it all day.

[The scene cuts to Kimmy leaving her apartment and saying goodbye to Lillian]

Kimmy: Troll the respawn, Jeremy.

Lillian: [laughs] First time on bath salts, dear?

[Scene cuts back to the present]

Charles: So you thought that I said I love you after we kissed, like, twice? And you want to get matching tattoos? Kimmy, you don't know anything about me.

Kimmy: You're from Tampa. You have two sisters, Liz and Sarah. And your childhood dog was named Jellybean.

Charles: None of that is correct. Kimmy, I thought that this was just fun--

Kimmy: Me, too-- I was trying to have fun, and then I made everything weird 'cause I'm weird. And now you're looking at me like I'm Jesus's crazy stepbrother terry. That's not in the Bible, is it?

Charles: No. It'd probably be for the best--

Kimmy: Yep. Got it. Troll the respawn, Jeremy.

Charles: Troll the respawn, Jeremy.

[Titus is on a walk, passing a construction site]

Titus: Black, gay, and old? Oh, I'm not even gonna know which box to check on the hate crime form.

Construction Worker: Excuse me, pal, I'm sorry to bother you, but, well, the last couple of days, I've been asking myself some tough questions about how I treat women.

Titus: Interest level exceeded.

Construction Worker: Wait, wait, wait! Um the thing is I-- I think that I envy women because they can be with men. And I've never said this out loud before, but I think that's what I want, too. So... you want to go out for a drink sometime?

Titus: Are you asking me out, you tasty little Bob the Builder?

Construction Worker: Yeah. I am.

[Titus takes off his sweater to reveal a shirt that says "Baby Slut"]

Titus: You can't handle this yet. Still got it! Call me in ten years.

Construction Worker: This is actually supposed to take that long, so...

[Kimmy enters the apartment to find Cyndee and Brandon packing up]

Kimmy: Cyndee.

Cyndee: My fiancé and I have decided to return to Durnsville, the city that never sleeps.

Kimmy: Is that siren still going off?

[Kimmy takes Cyndee into her room]

Kimmy: Cyndee... I'm sorry.

Cyndee: Go on.

Kimmy: You were right. I'm not doing any of the things I said I would. It turns out I don't even have a boyfriend. I don't have anything.

Cyndee: It's like in the Bible, when Terry borrowed his brother's moped.

Kimmy: Listen to me. Don't listen to me. You get to live your life the way you want. That's the whole point of not being in a bunker. No one gets to tell you what to do. And I think part of me is jealous of you, because you really do have everything you want. You just took a shortcut to get there, and I can't do it that way.

Cyndee: You're gonna take the road less traveled.

Kimmy: I guess so, Cyndee.

Cyndee: Even though that's exactly how you got kidnapped.

Kimmy: True. But if I'm going to do all the things I said I would, I need to get going. And I know where I'm going to start.

["Don't You (Forget about Me)" by Simple Minds plays as Kimmy enters a school]

Kimmy: I'm here to enroll in the eighth grade.

Administrator: I'm sorry, but someone your age can't enroll in middle school.

Kimmy: But Billy Madison did.

Administrator: Yes, but Billy Madison's family was very wealthy. They owned Madison Hotels, a Fortune 500 company. But there is a GED class that meets here.

[Kimmy looks at the program's pamphlet]

Kimmy: This is perfect! And they have a lacrosse team!

Administrator: No, those are all flyswatters.

Kimmy: Look out, world! Here comes Kimmy!

[The song continues as Kimmy does the famous pose from the end of "The Breakfast Club"]

Kimmy: [through her teeth] End of Breakfast Club.

Administrator: I know what it is.

[Music abruptly stops]